3.

that God would change me into a girl, and hoped that He would answer my prayers someday.

On one occasion, when I was about twelve years old, I found my sister's discarded girdle in the basement. Just the sight of it made my heart pound and when I put it on, I became very ex- cited. Later, whenever I could find any of my sister's discarded clothing--stockings, slips, panties, etc, I would put them on and enjoy it, but I always did this at a time when I was sure I was alone.

I

A few years later, when I was about fifteen or sixteen, would often wear the stockings and garters, or panties, to sehool under my trousers.

In my late teens and early twenties, I developed a great de- sire to be in the company of girls constantly. I preferred this to everything else, often diverting my studies or employment to suit. During my teens, I fell deeply in love on three separate occasions; but during those same years, I would also dress com- pletely with as much of my sister's clothing as I could find that would fit me. This I would do in my own room whenever I was alone in the house. I continued this at every opportunity until I was married.

After marriage, there was no lapse. Whenever I was alone at home, I would dress in whatever clothes of my wife's that would fit me--which was almost everything, including certain types of open high-heeled shoes.

The tremendous thrill of this cross-dressing became a com- pulsion and an obsession, but it would always afford a relief from the underlying and unconscious fear of God's punishment to the "bad" boys.

However, the pressure of trying to live a normal life and of trying to keep my fears a secret as well as hiding my "shame- ful" cross-dressing so that no one would know what a "sissy" I really was--became unbearable. Not on a conscious level, how- ever. I became nervous and full of anxiety and finally had a nervous breakdown, ending up on the psychiatrist's couch. Here, for the first time, I dared to expose my fears to someone else and even my wife did not know the real reason for my visits to the psychiatrist.